normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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