I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
