i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
