the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
