We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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