My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
