i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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