having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
