i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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