I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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