The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
