It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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