everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
