If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize