dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bring me that man meat
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
