Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
