I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
