So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
