My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize