You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
