Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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