if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i think my cat just said my name.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
