Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize