I showed him my bush... on skype.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
