1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
