you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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