Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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