WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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