went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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