I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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