no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
