so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it's great music for shaving your balls
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
