He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
