he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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