I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
