i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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