If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize