you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
