I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize