So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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