a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
