I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Say something about gay babies.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
