My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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