If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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