A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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