she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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