It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
