someone threw a dead crab at me
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
