She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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