yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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