my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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