In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
