I think my fart just growled at me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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