I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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