she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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