Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
