I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
