you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize