he shaved USA in his pubs
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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