I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
