Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize