so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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