I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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