I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
