He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize