Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
